What am I going to do now?
O.k while taking the last photograph on my blog of the river I think I caught Weils Disease. I have`nt been able to move in fact i`m not sure i`ve ever felt so bad. Only now 6 days later do I feel a teensy bit better! I`m exhausted and drained, I have a 3-year-old son who does not understand the concept of illness and likes to batter his mother and scream at his mother, lying spread eagled on the sofa. Luckily I also have a 16-year-old daughter who charges to the rescue (when she`s not at school) my 18-year-old son not so much, a bit, but not much. My husband is just too busy to do much at the moment too really but I won`t tell you how old he is.
I just have to add people can die of Weils disease and to be honest that`s where I felt I was going sometimes dramatic I know but I felt really really bad!!
Anyway I now hate the picture from the previous post ha ha something psychological, bad connections, blah blah, what photography does best, reminds of us of things! This is something I do not want to be reminded of bloody rats wee in the mud on my tripod legs (that`s how you get Weils Disease) So I have to consider what to do?
While lying, boiling like an egg in a pot, my mind wandered aimlessly. I started to consider what it is I am actually doing and why? I always seem to be running to the next image in the hope that it will be the one, that it will be the best (never is though) Why am I doing this? I know age is a factor I cannot ignore the approaching years they are thundering in my ears. I feel I need `it` now I just have to consider what that `it` is exactly?
What do I want?? I love my children, I love my husband, I love my family should`nt that be enough am I a terrible selfish person to want more? I definitely have neglected my son sometimes when I should have been playing with him consumed with submitting to some new magazine or competition praying at last someone will go ` My god this work is amazing!! Have all the glory` Is it glory I want? No don`t think so. Is it money I want? Well who does`nt want money but no this is not my blinding goal. You would be a fool to belief financial security lay at the end of this path!
So why? Well I had an epiphany lying in my own sweat at deaths door.
From now onwards I am going to play with my baby boy and slow down. In fact I may stop and look back for a bit. Look at work i`ve already done instead of what work can be made. I need to stand still for a bit to catch up with myself. So that`s what i`m going to do, starting when i`m a bit better though! By the way the image above is one I took in Corfu on our family holiday. Calming and beautiful, reminds me of happy times rather than Weils disease.
Why I have written this here I have no idea, but it is a bit like writing myself a contract and here it is in black and white! Here`s another calm happy Corfu photograph 🙂